Pandemic Journal No.31
Rollie's Follies
Golfers are an afflicted bunch, constantly head buttin' a game that's more mule than Mickey Mouse. That kind of irrational persistence often leads to irrational desperation.
This is where we meet “Rollie,” one of the most irrational mule bashers I encountered during my career. Rollie was a bit fixated on hitting his drives ever farther. Given his age, general roundness of his physique and suspect talent, Rollie had about as much chance of hitting a 300-yard drive as I have of beating Usain Bolt in the 100-meters. My knees sound like lake ice in early spring. I've arthritis in one foot (not to mention a bone that was surgically removed from said foot), a degenerative disc in my lower back and an ankle that sometimes locks up. And I may be 50 years old and out of shape. In other words, Rollie's 300-yard drives would forever be a pipe dream.
None of this prevented Rollie from spending money he didn't have on gimmicks that didn't work. Adidas Golf once marketed a high-tech golf shirt that claimed to increase clubhead speed by 5 miles per hour. Five MPH roughly translates into about 12 extra yards. He bought a couple of those for about a Benjamin each. Then there was the high-tech golf tee that reduced friction between ball and tee. Five more yards for Rollie. Some oddball golf shoe maker suckered him into a 3 a.m. infomercial purchase that guaranteed ten more yards. Ugliest golf shoes I've ever seen. The “illegal” golf balls that cost him about $50/dozen were quite the coup. He told me about them like he'd just purchased weapons-grade plutomium from a shady Uzbek wanted by Interpol. He even looked around the golf shop for prying ears before telling me about it. Seriously. He really did. Then there were the training gadgets he bought that guaranteed more and more distance. And, of course, his driver was the spawn of NASA.
One by one Rollie would tell me about these purchases and the miracles they would unleash upon the unsuspecting fairways. I looked forward to his every visit to the course, just for the entertainment value.
Rollie's primary golfing buddy was well-aware of his ludicrous pursuit of distance, and often rolled his eyes behind Rollie's back as Rollie regaled me with the magical properties of yet another late-night infomercial purchase. But it all came to a crushing end when I could hold back no more, and finally commented to Rollie one day, “With all these miracles you buy you should be hitting the ball about 500 yards by now.” Rollie's bald golf buddy burst out laughing so hard I thought he'd grow hair. Rollie didn't laugh one snicker, but he eventually got past the embarrassment.
Several weeks later Rollie's wife quietly thanked me for what I did. She said it stung him for a few days, and he wasn't too happy with me, but at least he stopped wasting money they didn't have on nonsense.
That Was Then, Part II
Remember those Keep America Beautiful commercials during the 70's featuring the Native American shedding a tear in the final scene? Litter had become a scourge by the 1970's. This commercial helped raise awareness about the negative impact of litter. As a result, throwing trash wantonly about is almost unheard of these days. That's a good thing. But there's a couple backstories to that commercial that are worth telling.
The Native American in the commercial was not Native American. He was born Espera Oscar de Corti, and was Italian-American.
The ad was also a ruse devised by the beverage container industry to shift blame for litter from the industry that makes the litter to the consumers who use it and then throw it on the ground. And it worked, at least for awhile. For the most part people stopped littering, but more importantly for the beverage container industry, environmental groups no longer blamed them for all the litter. But before long environmental groups saw that the beverage container industry was using more plastic bottles and fewer glass bottles.
Environmental groups saw what was to come with billions upon billions of plastic bottles being produced, which could not be reused like glass bottles. So, they tried to get the beverage container industry to only use reusable containers, like glass. At one point the Keep America Beautiful organization openly lobbied Congress to prevent the passage of “bottle bills,” legislation that would require soft drink and beer producers to sell, as they had until quite recently, their beverages in reusable containers. The beverage container industry won the battle, and as a result our environment is swimming in plastic bottles, thanks to the Keep America Beautiful folks. How sick is that?
And it was all made possible by a commercial that used a fake Native American to trick Americans into thinking Keep America Beautiful was a campaign to clean up the environment.
Something is Amiss at McD's
Sheep are well-known Big Mac fans, even if they have to dig them out of the trash. The sheep to the far right seems to be staring at the sheep by the trash can thinking, “If that grass-eating bastard takes one more step towards the trash bin I'm gonna have his ass sheered and paint a bullseye on it.”
The Irish Times reports that a flock of sheep have been spotted visiting a McDonald’s which has remained shut ever since lockdown measures were put into place.
They were caught on camera crowding around a restaurant in Ebbw Vale, Wales on Saturday afternoon. (Note from Sluggo: I have no idea how to pronounce a word that ends bbw.)
Andrew Thomas, who shared the photo on social media, joked: "Even the sheep in Ebbw Vale are having McDonald's withdrawals."
Sluggo's seriously pining for a Wendy's single, extra pickles.
West From…Wait, Where?
Old Crow Medicine Show is a great string band that incorporates influences from bluegrass, country, folk and the blues. These boys are from the high air up in Western North Carolina, so they know their regional geography. That's why I was confused when I heard the lyric, “…but he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap to Johnson City, Tennesee,” in the song Wagon Wheel (video below).
I've driven that stretch of road a time or three and Johnson City, Tennessee, is not west of the Cumberland Gap. It is decidedly east of the Cumberland Gap, and a little south. I did a little diggin to see how they could get their geography wrong way round, given they're from that area. Turns out they didn't like how the word “east” sounded in the song, so they changed it. I can't argue with that. Of course, this doesn't explain why these guys use poor grammar in their lyrics. It's hell being a grammatically sensitive half-hillbilly. I account this burden to the University of South Dakota English Department doing its job.
Speaking of the Cumberland Gap, this is a driven, poignant song from Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit, titled, well, Cumberland Gap. It tells the story of what life is like in the dying days of coal country, which is today.
Have I mentioned Jason Isbell is a brilliant songwriter? I wasn't sure.
Tragedy is listening to only one Jason Isbell song when you think there's something more important to do. Chaos and Clothes (below) includes one of the best lyrics I've ever heard: “You've got the past on your breath my friend; now, name all the monsters you've killed.”
Rules are mostly made to be broken and are too often for the lazy to hide behind.
The only thing new in the world is the history you don't know.
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and governing that is hard.
Greed has driven the world crazy. And I think I'm lucky that I have a place over here I can call home.
A. Genghis Khan (Legendary warrior)
B. Harry Truman (Real American)
C. Jerry Garcia (Real cool)
D. Nina Simone (Legendary singer)
E. Douglas MacArthur (General)
Answers at end of journal.
False Negative
President Trump was again tested for coronavirus. When asked about the results, he told reporters, “It was negative. The most negative test ever. No one's even come close. The doctors were amazed at how negative it was. Soooooo negative. Really, tremendously negative. Most negative test ever. It was beautiful. Really, it was. Doctors couldn't believe it. There's never been a test that negative ever. My test was so negative it made Lyin Hillary's look positive. As a matter of fact, I haven't had a test that negative since college. So incredibly negative. Did I mention the doctors couldn't believe how negative it was? They said I must be a genius to have a test that negative.”
Stay safe, distanced, connected and well.
Sluggo
Answers: A4-B2-C3-D5-E1