And a Side of Rolaids With That
Prolonged periods of quarantine can have strange effects on people. Some people take up a new hobby, some people freak out, and still others begin pondering life's bigger questions, such as what's the optimum number of banana peppers on a large Domino's green pepper and mushroom pizza?
A gentleman in front of me in the check out at Hy-Vee the other day seemed to have added mass antacid consumption to the list. His cart was loaded with what looked like every bottle of Hy-Vee-branded antacid in the store. I had no idea what the true reason was for his purchase, but I wanted desperately to tap him on the shoulder and say, “There's a recommended dosage on the bottle, not a serving size,” just to see how he would respond.
Turns out he wasn't going to snack on antacids, but rather he was an employee and they were trying to determine why the scanner hadn't been scanning that product accurately. I'm glad I successfully fought the urge to make a fool out of myself. It doesn't always work out that way.
Fox and Fiends
Little Richard's recent passing brought out a wave of sympathy and condolences from across the globe. Fox News even reported that Tom Petty was one of the countless celebrities that took to social media to express condolences. This was quite the trick for Mr. Petty, given he's been dead for the last three years, so it's safe to say he don't come around here no more. But, as my friend Sam cleverly pointed out, maybe he got stood up ‘at the gates of hell’ for the last three years, but wouldn't ‘back down’ from tweeting about Little Richard.
Fox News reporting on dead people using social media is right up their alley. I actually used to watch Fox News on occasion until they decided to become the cable news version of the National Enquirer. One of my favorite Fox News moments was during the 2016 presidential campaign when they actively promoted the conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton was running a sex trafficking pedophile ring out of the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria in Washington D.C. Candidate Donald Trump also glommed onto this ridiculousness and repeatedly promoted it on his Twitter account.
Pizzagate, as it was eventually tagged, was promoted so heavily on Fox News and by candidate Trump that on December 4, 2016, Edgar Maddison Welch, a 28-year-old man from Salisbury, North Carolina, arrived at Comet Ping Pong and fired three shots from an AR-15 style rifle that struck the restaurant's walls, a desk, and a door. Welch later told police that he had planned to "self-investigate" the conspiracy theory. Welch saw himself as the potential hero of the story—a rescuer of children.
Fox News and the Trump campaign both denied that their promotion of the conspiracy theory influenced Mr. Welch's actions in any way. Riiiiiiight.
To a degree, I take Fox News' side on this one. Anyone who watches Fox News, or reads the National Enquirer, and actually thinks they practice responsible journalism has their head in the sand. And anyone who acts upon anything Fox News or the National Enquirer “reports” is no longer tethered to reality anyway, so they are a disaster waiting to happen anyway.
Don't Worry, Be Yappy
Been doing a lot of random research lately - tetragonal antiwedges, Slurpees, the maple syrup industry, dog behavior, the pilcrow, etc. Turns out the Slurpee, or Icee as it was initially branded, was an accident that resulted when a guy named Omar had his soda fountain break down in the late 1950's. I also found out some dogs get separation anxiety if left alone for too long.
According to dog behavior experts, dogs prone to separation anxiety will develop destructive behaviors if repeatedly left alone for long periods of time. So, if Fido is shredding your pillows or drinking all your scotch while you're at work, you might want to invest in a canine counselor of some sort.
I can see where destructive behavior is a clear indicator of separation anxiety, but what about the dogs who suffer from separation anxiety without exhibiting any bad behavior? Maybe those dogs deal with their anxiety by silently curling up in a corner all day. Do dog experts have them fill out a questionnaire to determine if they're having anxiety issues?
Question 1: How does being left alone make you feel? Question 2: Do you drink more, or watch The View reruns all day when left alone? Question 3: Have you ever purchased an armored vehicle or grits from the Home Shopping Network while left alone for a long period of time? Question 4: Do you think about sniffing cat butts when left alone for long periods of time?
I think these dog experts have a lot to explain.
Monday, Thursday, They All End in Y
You might recall reading about Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia in No. 34. He's the snake that told Georgians to go about their lives as usual without worrying about the coronavirus, but closed the governor's mansion to daily tours “for the health and safety of Georgia families.” In other words, you people go about your lives as usual, but you're not allowed to come near the governor's family because you might infect them with the virus.
Lo and behold, Governor Kemp has struck again. This time his administration intentionally altered data on a graph to make it look like the number of coronavirus cases in Georgia was rapidly declining since he re-opened the state. Journalists from the Atlanta Journal Constitution did a little digging and found that
on closer inspection, the dates on the chart showed a curious ordering: April 30 was followed by May 4; May 5 was followed by May 2, which was followed by May 7 — which in turn was followed by April 26. The dates had been re-sorted to create the illusion of a decline (in the number of cases). The five counties (represented on the graph) were likewise re-sorted on each day to enhance the illusion.
Once the deception was uncovered, the governor's office apologized for the fictitious data, saying officials “thought it would be helpful.” In other words, the governor's office admitted to intentionally producing false data, and then had the audacity/stupidity to claim they thought it would be helpful. How does lying to the citizens in your state about the rate of coronovirus infections help people who are trying to protect themselves from being infected? It doesn't. But it does help the inept Governor Brian Kemp look like he knows what he's doing. He doesn't.
At the same time, Sluggo's spent a fair amount of time in Georgia, and I can't say I'm all that surprised they have a governor who hasn't yet mastered a standard monthly calendar.
I did get in an argument once with a guy from Georgia over whether or not a bird is an animal. (Don't ask how this debate arose.) I took the position that birds are animals, and my Georgia friend adamantly insisted they were not animals. I thought maybe he was confusing animals with mammals. When I suggested as much he said, “No. Mammals aren't technically animals either.” I was pretty impressed he knew the word “technically,” so I dropped my case and made my way to the Waffle House.
Norwegian No-How
Sluggo's been thinking about conspiracy theories lately, and I believe I've hit upon something significant: the Norwegian Mafia is behind the coronavirus pandemic.
I am fully convinced the Norwegian government has decided to do something about how crowded the world is getting. As such, the government of Norway enlisted the Norwegian Mafia to unleash the coronavirus onto an unsuspecting world. Their plan is to both thin out the population and get the world's population to permanently embrace social distancing. Scandinavians are famously distant people, so the permanent social distancing measures will create a world where Scandinavians can be more comfortable in social settings.
Now, I have zero proof the Norwegian Mafia is behind this pandemic, or even that there is such a thing as the Norwegian Mafia, but I refuse to let facts deter me from reaching a conclusion that fits perfectly with my worldview. We Norwegians have been marginalized by the modern world for far too long, what with all the Ole and Lena jokes and lutefisk jokes floating about. It's high time something was done about it, and I for one think good old-fashioned Norwegian no-how is just what the doctor ordered.
Skol!
Going Dutch
Dutch professional golfer Joost Luiten nearly killled his girlfriend while filming a trick shot designed to incorporate social distancing into the caddie-golfer interaction.
Fortunately, she sustained only a bruise to the noggin, but it could have been much worse. My advice to this young lady is to date a much better ball-striker than Joost. That, or maybe date a professional table tennis (ping pong) player.
Professional table tennis superstar Jan-Ove Waldner from Sweden might be a safer candidate. He's regarded as one of the greatest table tennis players of all time. In fact, in China, where table tennis is a national obsession, Mr. Waldner is more famous than Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods. His face is so recognizable in Asia that he's mobbed by fans if he ventures out in public.
Take a look at some of his incredible highlights in the below video. It won't take long to see why he's called the Mozart of table tennis.
Stay safe, distanced, connected and well.
Sluggo