Li Ziqi
Our European Correspondent in Give, Denmark, Julie Broberg, told me about a fascinating Chinese YouTuber named Li Ziqi. I wasn't sure what to make of a Chinese YouTuber, fascinating or otherwise. But, always the curious sort, I checked it out. Julie's right; it is fascinating, but not in a way I could adequately describe. You'll have to watch the video to see what I mean.
The Li Ziqi video reminded me of a conversation I had with my grandma a few years before she died. I asked her if she had the choice would she rather be a young woman today (this was about 1999) or back when she was a young woman. In other words, were the good old days good? Without a blink she said she would much rather be young today because “back then we worked all the time.” She said life was a real struggle back in the 1920's and 30's. It wore you down, she said. When I asked for an example, she said a lot of time and effort went into preparing meals because all the cooking was done from scratch. Not only that, but she said there was always work to be done to prepare for future meals, such as baking bread, canning or butchering chickens. I believe she also mentioned a garden that needed regular tending. She said, “We bought as little as possible from the grocery store because there was so little money.”
The strange thing about that conversation with my grandma was that as she was telling me how hard life was back then, she did so with obvious joy in her voice. I never asked why that was, but I wonder if it had something to do with the scene in the video where Li Ziqi and her grandma are enjoying the fruits of Li Ziqi's labor.
Profiles in Courage-ish
Back in March, Venezuelan security forces uncovered a plot to overthrow President Nicolas Maduro before it could even get off the ground. An American named Jordan Goudreau had been hired to train the motley band of 300 Venezuelans. When the plot was uncovered, Goudreau returned to the safety of Florida before his role could be discovered, leaving his men to their fate at the hands of the dictator they were trying to overthrow.
I read about Jordan Goudreau and this failed plot in an Associated Press investigative report dated May 1, 2020. Keep that date in mind.
On Sunday, May 4, two Americans were captured in Venezuela as part of a small “invasion” force attempting to abduct President Maduro so as to facilitate the overthrow of the Venezuelan government. Turns out, these men, along with the rest of their ragged gaggle of mercenaries, were also trained by Jordan Goudreau.
If you read the Associated Press story about the failed coup back in March, you'll notice Mr. Goudreau is no one to entrust with one's personal safety. Personally, I wouldn't trust him with a two-link chain. Unfortunately for the two Americans captured, they failed to read the AP story, which was published online and in print on May 1, THREE days prior to their doomed raid.
All these two powderbrains had to do before setting out on their boondoggle escapade was read the day's news on May 1. They would have noticed that the guy training them, the infamous Jordan Goudreau, was the same guy who trained the 300 desperate Venezuelans that the Maduro regime discovered two months prior.
That would have been a conversation worth hearing had either of the American mercenaries read the story, printed THREE DAYS BEFORE THEIR SCHEDULED “INVASION.”
Doomed Mercenary: Hey, I just read a story in the newspaper. Did you train about 300 guys involved with a different coup in Venezuela about two months ago?
JG: That's crazy talk. This is my first coup. I don't know what you're talking about.
Doomed Mercenary: Says here that coup failed, and a guy with your name trained them.
JG: Someone is using my great name. Nope. This is my first coup. Honest. I would never lie to you.
Doomed Mercenary: Wait. You told us you've been involved with a number of successful coups. Now you're saying this is your first one?
JG: Fake news. The fake news media is always telling lies about me. They want me to fail. You guys gotta get to Venezuela so you can be patriotic American heroes.
Doomed Mercenary: You guys? What about you? Where are you gonna be?
JG: My beautiful, gorgeous, hot daughter has a soccer game that day in Florida, so I can't make it. I love watching her run around in those tight shorts.
Doomed Mercenary: That's really sick.
JG: You'd want to date your own daughter too if she was as hot as mine. Now, you need to be a patriot and overthrow Maduro so I…uh, I mean, you can be a hero. I've put together an amazing, brilliant plan. It can't fail. My plans are always brilliant. They never fail.
Doomed Mercenary: Something doesn't seem right about this. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Because, ya know, our futures are at stake here, maybe even our lives. If you don't know what you're doing, we're screwed. And probably for a long time, too.
JG: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm a genius. Nobody knows more about coups than me. A lot of people are saying that.
Doomed Mercenary: If a lot of people are talking about how great you are at coups, then how are we supposed to keep this mission a secret? Shouldn't you be focused on getting the job done right instead of seeking a bunch of attention? Have you been bragging about this online or something?
JG: What? Of course not. I never brag. And you shouldn't question anything I say. I'm the most honest, amazing and capable person you'll ever meet. Seriously. I really am. Lots of people are saying that.
Doomed Mercenary: But, you keep contradicting yourself.
JG: Fake news. The media is so unfair to me. They're probably communists.
Doomed Missionary: You're contradicting yourself as you speak. There's no media here.
JG: Fake news. Everything is so unfair for me. Hey, you know what?
Doomed Mercenary: What?
JG: If you believe whatever I tell you, you're weekly paycheck will miraculously get huuuge, and brown immigrants won't be able to come to America anymore.
Doomed Mercenary: Wow! Seriously? That's awesome. Forget all the doubts I had about you. Let's go overthrow Maduro.
JG: Well, I got that soccer thing. Remember? I'll probably play some golf after that.
Doomed Mercenary: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
JG: But you and the rest of the guys go be patriotic Americans and everything will be great. Trust me.
Doomed Mercenary: You got it, Boss. This is going to be so great.
Post “invasion” update.
As with the failed coup in March, Mr. Goudreau once again opted not to join the operation with the men he trained. He did, however, post a video online the very day of the failed invasion, that in part said:
A daring amphibious raid was launched from the border of Colombia deep into the heart of Caracas. Our units have been activated in the south, west and east of Venezuela.
Caracas is about 10 miles from the coast; Mr. Goudreau's men never even made it deep into the heart of the beaches they were supposed to land on. Most were intercepted offshore by the Venezuelan military.
And for the cherry on top, the AP reported that:
Goudreau tweeted about the mission late Sunday (after the mission had already failed) and tagged the president. "Strikeforce incursion into Venezuela. 60 Venezuelan, 2 American ex Green Beret @realDonaldTrump.
I wonder where Mr. Goudreau got the idea to brag about his efforts on Twitter even though his efforts were a complete disaster.
Thoughts While Standing in the Shower Drinking Irish Whiskey From a Shampoo Bottle
I heard a song the other day that said the devil dances in empty pockets. Being independently poor, this revelation struck me as very disturbing. So, I stopped wearing pants.
A bird in the hand attracts stray cats.
Idle hands may be the devil's workshop, but an idle mind is where he draws up the plans.
Dogs are man's best friend because we smell like beef jerky.
A penny saved is worth more if you turn it into copper wire.
Mr. Goudreau and his Norwegian Mercenaries
Jordan Goudreau would have been much better off had he hired Norwegian mercenaries. No one would have been captured or killed because he would had a hell of a time convincing them to go on the mission.
JG: Okay, men. This is it. You twelve Norwegians will be in this boat. Now, once on the boat…um, do you have a question Sven?
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Ya. Dat boat is too small. We need a much bigger boat, odderwise we will have to sit next to each odder. Dat is not good.
JG: What are you talking about?
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Ya, vell, if we sit close to each odder, den we have to talk to each odder. And dat is not good.
JG: That's the idea. How are we supposed to pull this off without talking to each other?
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Ya, vell, I talked to Ole last month. Oh, and I said “hi”to Sigurd over der da month before dat. So, dat's enough talking for quite awhile. Any more talking would be overkill. And dat is not good.
JG: This isn't a pleasure cruise, Sven.
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Oh, dat reminds me. Vill der be any lutefisk on da boat? Last time I was on a cruise der was no lutefisk. Dat was not good.
JG: Again, this is not a cruise. We're staging an armed coup to overthrow a brutal dictator.
Sigurd the Norwegian Mercenary: Oh, vill we have to talk to da brutal dictator? Because if Sven was talking right now he would say dat is not good. And dat is not good.
JG: What's wrong with you guys? Do you think he's going to follow along voluntarily when you abduct him?
Ole the Norwegian Mercenary: Ya, vell, how far behind us will da brutal dictator follow? Because he should not get closer den 40 yards. As Sven would say, dat would not be good. So, ya, dat would not be good.
JG: Geez. Would you rather we just invite Maduro onto the boat? Would that work for you guys?
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Ya, vell, dat's anodder reason we need a bigger boat. I don't want to invite da brutal dictator onto a small boat. Den we would have to talk to him. And dat would not be good.
Sigurd the Norwegian Mercenary: Ya, vell, and also, does the brutal dictator like lutefisk? It is not nice to invite someone over without giving them something to eat. So, we need to get some lutefisk for him. Odderwise dat is not good.
JG: He's our captive, not our guest. There won't be any lutefisk on the boat. Or crackers. Or goat cheese. Or anything. Got it?
Sigurd the Norwegian Mercenary: Goat cheese is not good.
JG: Quit saying that. I don't care if it's not good. We're kidnapping a brutal dictator, not throwing him a birthday party.
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Do you happen to know when da brutal dictator's birthday is? We could get him lutefisk. Odderwise it would be rude. And dat is not good.
JG: Oh, for chrissakes. How did I get stuck with you guys? What now? Just put your hand down, Ole. It was a rhetorical question.
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Ole doesn't want to say anything. He needs to go pee. Dat might not be good.
JG: How the hell do you know he needs to pee?
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Because you asked a rhetorical question. No one answers rhetorical questions. So, he obviously has to go pee. And if you don't let him pee, dat would not be good.
JG: Forget it. You know what? Just go back to Norway. And pee wherever you want, Ole. You guys are absolutely unbelievable. I'm going back to Florida to play some golf.
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Do we still get paid?
JG: Paid? For what? Hell, no, you don't get paid.
Sven the Norwegian Mercenary: Dat is not good.
Stay safe, distanced, connected and well. Dat is good.
Sluggo