Right Side Down
I've been recalled from the purgatory of furlough, but will continue working from home for the foreseeable future. The ag and construction industries have not escaped the pamdemic, so the future is still murky. Murky also is whether or not the Pandemic Journal will be delivered daily going forward, as employers seem to frown upon paying emoyees for extracurricular pursuits.
That murkiness was broken up with a little unintended “entertainment” this morning when the computer screen on my laptop suddenly flipped 180 degrees. I'm sure it was operator error, but the operator couldn't remember the keystroke combination to correct the problem. Faced with the prospect of trying to work with an upside-down screen, I grabbed my phone to Google the fix only to discover my phone was having its share of issues.
So I sat staring at my upside-down screen. “I wonder if I can work like this? I'm not a complete idiot,” I thought. “Nooo, ye cannae, ye daft bastard,” came the reply from my periodically elusive rational side, unnervingly in the thick, hardscrabble Glasgow brogue of my foul-mouthed caddie Hugh from my trip to Scotland. (Everyone in Scotland must hail from suspect parentage, as they call each other “bastard” all the time: “Aye, ye bastard, hay've ye been?” “Smashing, love. Are the kids hooome frae school, yet, ye bastard?” “Aye, they are, love, ye bastard.” “Right, then. Geev us a kiss, ye bastard.”) For some reason Hugh's voice spurred the musing, “I really like the Beatles song Blackbird,” which completely garbled my focus for a few moments.
Once back on point I found myself hunched over behind my laptop so that the screen would not be upside-down, with the objective being to Google the fix for the upside-down screen. But now the keyboard was upside-down. Hugh's admonition “ye daft bastard” echoed in my now-inverted brain. Figuring I had a better chance of reading upside-down than typing upside-down, I sat back down to tackle the issue head-on. Suddenly, as if slapped by Hugh himself, the keystroke combination to flip the screen came to me: CTL + ALT + UP ARROW.
A wee sense of pride and accomplishment for having solved the problem eased my shoulders onto my chair back, but was immediately shattered with the crack of Hugh's voice,“Yer still daft, ye bastard.”
Yeah, but right side up finally.
This grammar poem was inspired by The Clash's hit Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Should I Lay or Should I Lie?
Should I lay or should I lie? If you say I am a nickel or a dime I'll be inanimate 'til the end of time. So that means I can't lie down; You have to lay me on the ground.
And if I'm cheese, cheese, cheese I cannot walk I have no knees. I may be Swiss or Monterey Jack. But since it's movement that I lack You'll have to lay me on your snack.
Should I lay or should I lie now? In the event I am a bow wow. I can move so I will lie now. If I'm a lad who gets in trouble Or a girl with hairy stubble Then I can move all on my own. So lay or lie it should be known. But if you still have indecision Just determine with precision If I can move all on my own. And if I move all on my own I could lie upon an ice cream cone. But a cone it cannot move now So someone laid it on my bed.
And the Non-Clash-Inspired Version
A simple rhyme will alay confusion with “lie” and “lay.”
If you can place, lay If it can recline, lie
Lay (place) a nickel on the table Lie (recline), but not on my g#@$%€n table!
Jerk.
Small Business?
Three large hotel companies tied to a Texas hotel billionaire have applied for $126 million in loans intended to help small businesses survive the pandemic. The companies, Ashford Inc., Ashford Hospitality Trust and Braemar Hotels & Resorts, filed 117 small business loan applications in an effort to disguise what they were doing. It worked, as they were given $69 million dollars that would have otherwise gone to help small businesses. A company spokesman said they will not be returning the money, as they are in need of the funds just as much as small businesses are.
Here's the rest of the story. These are publicly traded companies, which means they can raise huge sums of capital by issuing stock to investors. You might ask, “Why don't they do that?” Because these taxpayer-funded bailout loans do not have to be paid back if at least 75% of the money is spent keeping or rehiring workers.
More free money for corporate America.
Thus far, almost $1 billion dollars meant to help small businesses survive the pandemic has gone to large and very large companies. And as long as they can prove at least 75% of the loan goes towards retaining or rehiring workers, it's free money. Don't expect any of that $1 billion dollars to be repaid.
The LA Lakers also applied for and received millions of dollars that were intended for small businesses. According to Forbes Magazine, the Lakers are worth $4.6 billion dollars. Mind you, that does kinda make the Lakers a small business when compared to Autonation, Inc., which had $5.6 billion in revenue last year. Autonation also received millions of dollars intended for actual small businesses.
I'm so happy these large companies were given a massive tax cut two years ago.
It Shouldn't Be Funny, But…
Chris Platzer, a planning commissioner for Vallejo, California, resigned his commission after he was seen throwing his cat and drinking during a video meeting with other city officials on April 20. Mr. Platzer apologized for his inappropriate behavior, chalking it up to the stress of dealing with the pandemic.
On a related note, Sutter Solano Medical Center Emergency Room in Vallejo, California announced an adult male arrived by ambulance early in the morning on April 21 with over 500 scratches and bite marks covering his face and torso. Prior to being placed under sedation the patient whispered the words, “I sleep. Fluffy mean.”
Authorities later interviewed Fluffy, who chalked up the attack to the stress of having a drunken asshole for an owner.
Wanted: Expendable Seniors
Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick is again encouraging seniors to literally “risk their lives for the economy,” as Texas looks to remove most of the pandemic safeguards on businesses this Friday. He's also claiming the science is wrong about COVID-19. Of course, he provided no proof to support his anti-science position. But, hey, no biggie. He's a former radio host, so he must know what he's talking about.
I think the Lt. Governor is overlooking a great many ways the senior set can sacrifice themselves for the economy. For example, instead of the federal government spending tens of billions on a wall in the desert, every Texan 65 and above who owns a gun should head to the border and defend America from the marauding invaders crossing into America from Mexico. The Lt. Governor loves to call it an invasion, so what better way to use Texas' excess supply of seniors? Besides, and this should really appeal to the Lt. Governor's distaste for entitlement programs, the more senior casualties there are fighting the invasion, the less Medicare and Medicaid the state of Texas will be on the hook for. And think of all the toilet scrubbing and lettuce picking jobs that will then go to Americans that would have otherwise gone to illegal immigrants.
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is another beaut. He's been screaming about opening the country since day one, as he believes the coronovirus is not the serious threat the Centers for Disease Control claim it is. (Ironically, the CDC is in Atlanta.) Georgia is removing most pandemic restrictions this week, making restaurants, bowling alleys, public places, etc. open for regular business.
Well, there is one public place that will remain closed while the rest of the state opens up: The governor's mansion will remain closed to daily public tours “to ensure the health and safety of Georgia families,” according the notice on the state's website.
That's like having a friend tell you to swim in a lake that has an undetermined number of alligators in it, and then says, “I'll stay in the car in case someone needs to call for help.”
Stay safe, distanced, connected and well.
Sluggo