Pandemic Journal No. 29
Excuses That Don't Work in High School (or grade school) When Your Mom's Family is Related to Most of the Community
Me: I was sick yesterday. Here's a note from my mom.
School Secretary: Your mom's my niece. This is not her signature.
Me: I missed school yesterday because I went to Sioux Falls with my mom.
Teacher: Your mom's my cousin. She was helping your grandma can corn yesterday. And that's not her signature anyway.
Me: May I leave early today? My grandpa's in the hospital.
First Grade Teacher: Your grandpa's my husband's uncle, and he's cutting silage today.
School Secretary: No, you can't skip detention to help your uncle combine. Besides, he finished last week.
Shop Teacher: You didn't make this clock in class. Your grandpa's initials are on the back.
Dating is also challenging when most everyone's your cousin.
Dwight Yoakam is my all-time favorite true country & western artist. Probably because he makes hillbilly look pretty damn cool, if I may say.
Here's the best cover ever of Elvis' Suspicious Minds
Interview With Bernie, Part IV
SM: And your plans for the environment?
BS: I hope Trump lives to be two-hundred years old, because I want to hear what he says when Lincoln, Nebraska is ocean-front property. But, you know what? Nebraskans love Trump so much they probably think this is a good thing. This is not a good thing. It's horrible. So again, we're drowning in Trump's ignorance, Sluggo.
SM: Wouldn't you have to be alive yourself to hear what Trump has to say about Lincoln, Nebraska being ocean-front property?
BS: I chewed on a piece of mule for twenty years, Sluggo. I refuse to die. But, and I mean this, but, if for some reason, I do die before my first term as president is up, I promise I will still run for re-election in 2024.
SM: With all due respect, Senator, that sounds a little on the impossible side.
BS: Nowhere in the constitution does it say you have to be alive to run for President of the United States of America. You want proof? Trump's been brain dead since he bought a USFL team. Who does that? You can't challenge the NFL. They're like the mob and the AARP all rolled into one - unstoppable. Plus! Plus! Trump's soul is deader than the chances of ever seeing a sequel to Leonard Part 6. That movie was so awful Bill Cosby is being forced to watch it daily as part of his prison sentence.
SM: That is cruel and unusual.
BS: But I tell you, as bad as Leonard Part 6 was, Trump Part 1 is far worse. There can never be a sequel to this disaster. And I'm going to make sure of that.
SM: Is it just me, or does it seem like the volume is turned all the way up and everyone is forced to sit in the front row with our eyelids held open?
BS: Makes me nauseous, like drinking sour milk.
SM: I don't know that I've ever had sour milk.
BS: And another thing about Nebraska. Whose big idea was it to join the Big Ten? Did they not realize their rivalries in the Big 12 were recruiting gold for them? Can you imagine how many great football players enrolled at Nebraska after watching a Nebraska-Oklahoma game on a recruiting visit? That's lightning in a bottle, Sluggo. You can't buy that. Now, they play Rutgers and the recruits spend the whole game Snapchatting with the other team's benchwarmers. It's all about money, Sluggo. The Huskers got filthy rich, but lost their soul. That's Trump's vision for America. It's a disgrace, Sluggo!
SM: I didn't know you were a Nebraska Cornhusker fan, Senator.
BS: I don't really care for football. I'm more of a pickle ball guy. But, I knew America was in trouble when the Huskers sold their soul for big bucks. It was like the heart of America sold out to corporate America. Very sad. I just can't stand idly by while Trump spreads his soulless ignorance over America with the promise of big bucks. I have to do something.
SM: Many Americans, particularly those in the heart of the country, are wary of your past praise for authoritarian figures such as Fidel Castro. How can you lay their fears to rest?
BS: Frankly, it's very hypocritical for any Trump supporter to criticize me for praising some positive aspect of an otherwise cruel authoritarian regime. Why? Because Donald Trump is trying to destroy our democracy and basically rule by decree. In other words, he acts like a dictator, and also has a very cruel streak. And yet! And yet, I would bet Trump supporters would be very appreciative if I praised something that Trump did. That's hypocrisy.
SM: Is there anything the president has done that warrants praise?
BS: Of course there is. For example, I support his Opportunity Zones. Likewise, Castro's literacy program was a positive thing for thousands of Cubans. So shoot me.
SM: Um…
BS: Again, I'm not being literal. I am not to be shot. It's amazing I have to clarify that.
SM: Sorry about that. Castro's literacy program was itself quite hypocritical because the Cubans who learned to read under the program were not allowed to read anything Castro's regime considered a threat to their power. How do you respond to that, Senator?
BS: Great point, Sluggo. Here's the deal. Trump has repeatedly threatened our First Amendment rights. He's also threatened reporters, as well as encouraged his supporters to commit violence upon some reporters, sometimes actually resulting in attacks on reporters. Guess who else did that until he took complete control of the press in his country? Castro, that's who. So again, if Trump supporters are going to criticize Castro for being a dictator, which is fair, then they'd better be able to look in the mirror and ask why they aren't equally appalled at Trump's attacks on our First Amendment rights. That's hypocrisy, Sluggo.
SM: Fair enough. We got a little sidetracked with the Huskers and all. Mind if we circle back to the environment?
BS: No. I do not mind.
SM: Climate change is a big part of your agenda. How do you answer climate change deniers who claim you're just a leftist unnecessarily sounding the alarm?
BS: If you pay close attention to their arguments you will find that they rely heavily on discredited pseudoscience and non-sequiturs to make their point. So, until they present a more compelling argument than, "Hey, it's record cold in February. Whatever happened to global warming?" I think the best thing to do is to let them yap. You know how dumb Trump is? And yes, I said that. On the same day he used that stupid argument to discredit global warming, Australia was in the midst of it's hottest summer on record. You know why that doesn't register with Trump and his supporters? Because they don't even know the Southern Hemisphere's seasons are the opposite of the Northern Hemisphere. I also don't think they understand time zones and photosynthesis. But that's another matter.
SM: Um, well. Okay, then. Are you concerned they will gain momentum?
BS: America has been down this road before. The Klan gained strength by making false claims and using bogus science. George Wallace had some success in the same way. But history has shown that these charlatans might have their day in the sun, but the greatness, not the darkness of America will ultimately prevail.
There's a reason Ray Charles was called the Genius. This cover of Eddie Arnold's 1956 classic You Don't Know Me says it all.
Democracy in Amerika
The Economist magazine has a yearly ranking of all countries based on how democratic their political systems are. Below are the 2019 rankings. As you can see, the U.S. is not as democratic as most Americans think we are (#25). What's more interesting, however, is that our own Central Intelligence Agency funds similar research into this issue, and that research showed the same results for America, which is that we are not a full democracy anymore, where once we were consistently ranked at the top of this list.
The other interesting aspect of this research is how democratic the Scandinavian countries are, as well as Finland and Iceland. Not coincidentally, those same countries are consistently at the top of the World Happiness Report, which is a publication of the United Nations. The U.S. has dropped to number 19 on the most current CIA ranking.
Rank Country Score Status
1 Norway 9.87 Full democracy
2 Iceland 9.58 Full democracy
3 Sweden 9.39 Full democracy
4 New Zealand 9.26 Full democracy
5 Finland 9.25 Full democracy
6 Ireland 9.24 Full democracy
7 Denmark 9.22 Full democracy
Canada 9.22 Full democracy
9 Australia 9.09 Full democracy
10 Switzerland 9.03 Full democracy
11 Netherlands 9.01 Full democracy
12 Luxembourg 8.81 Full democracy
13 Germany 8.68 Full democracy
14 Utd. Kingdom 8.52 Full democracy
15 Uruguay 8.38 Full democracy
16 Austria 8.29 Full democracy
Spain 8.29 Full democracy
18 Mauritius 8.22 Full democracy
19 Costa Rica 8.13 Full democracy
20 France 8.12 Full democracy
21 Chile 8.08 Full democracy
22 Portugal 8.03 Full democracy
23 So. Korea 8.00 Full democracy
24 Japan 7.99 Flawed democracy
25 Utd. States 7.96 Flawed democracy
Stay safe, distanced, connected and well.
Sluggo